5 Ways to “Work” On Your Relationship Today
Let’s be honest - life can get hectic, and one of the first things that can be sacrificed is our relationship. When you’re in a committed romantic relationship, you get comfortable with each other. And that’s good! You’re there for your partner, and you trust they will always be there for you. You accept each other for who you are, flaws and all. However, it is important that this comfort and trust does not translate into apathy and distance. This is where the common adage “a relationship is hard work” applies. No, your relationship shouldn’t be so much work that you compromise your needs and values. But a healthy, nourishing, and satisfying relationship does require mindfulness, growth, and intentionality.
It might seem intimidating to think about putting “work” into your relationship, especially if you are entrenched in unhelpful or unhealthy patterns. However, small cognitive and behavioral changes can be the most effective ways to change a relationship, little by little, day by day. Here are five strategies for improving your romantic relationship that you can start doing immediately.
Notice and respond to an emotional bid. An “emotional bid” is when your partner makes a covert or overt bid for your love and attention. We all make emotional bids within a relationship, whether we know it or not. If you come home from work and give your partner a kiss, that’s an emotional bid you’re making to your partner. You’re wanting to connect with them in that moment, and it feels good for them to receive that bid and respond (by kissing you back). If your partner dismisses your kiss, ignores you, or gets frustrated by your desire to kiss, they have “missed” your emotional bid, which might leave you feeling rejected and frustrated. Emotional bids can come in many forms - telling your partner you’d like to try a certain restaurant, wanting to talk about your day, and even something as simple as smiling at your partner are all examples of emotional bids. We don’t often set out to reject our partner’s bids, but we often miss them unintentionally. Pay more attention to when your partner is making a bid today to help them feel more seen and loved.
“Soften your start-up.” The term “soft start-up” was coined by Dr.s Julie and John Gottman, preeminent relationship psychologists and researchers. Through their extensive research, they have identified important strategies for managing conflict and communicating effectively in relationships. One of these strategies is using a “soft start-up” when approaching conflict. A soft start-up follows the following format: start with how you feel, next talk about what you need, and then respectfully make a request to your partner to fulfill that need. Here’s an example of a harsh start-up to conflict: *Eye roll “Ugh, you’re so selfish. Why is it always about you?” Instead of beginning conflict on the wrong foot, use a soft start-up instead. “I’m feeling left out when we talked about our days earlier. Can I vent to you about my day?”
Apologize. Apologizing is a crucial communication tool in healthy relationships. We’ve all been on the receiving end of a half-hearted apology that just doesn’t feel genuine - it takes a genuine apology to help us move forward in our relationships. According to the Freakonomics podcast episode, “How to Optimize Your Apology,” cultural sociologists Karen Cerulo and Janet Ruane studied the effectiveness of apologies. They found that the most successful apologies demonstrate remorse right at the start: owning up to what you did, not the reasons why you did it or what your partner did. The most effective apologies also contain empathy and validate the feelings of the person that was hurt. Lastly, good apologies also contain a commitment to doing better. Reformatting your apology is a quick strategy to improve your relationship. So next time you hurt your partner, don’t say “I’m sorry you feel angry.” Instead, express that you see how angry and upset they feel, and that it makes sense that your actions made them feel that way. In the future, you will try hard to be more aware of X,Y,Z and do something different. If you approach an apology well, it’s very likely you will avoid an escalated argument.
Listen. This seems like a simple strategy, but it’s not always easy. If your partner comes home from work and is stressed, listen. Don’t jump to strategies to fix the problem. Don’t compare their stress to your own. Just listen. If you don’t have the emotional capacity to listen at the moment, express this kindly to your partner and plan a specified time in the future to make space for them.
Do something nice for your partner. Imagine if your partner were to do something nice for you unprompted. They surprise you with your favorite candy, they took the dog out even if it was “your day,” or they gave you a random hug. How would it feel? Would it also make you want to reciprocate? Although these acts of kindness may seem small, the effect they can have over your partner, and in turn your relationship, can be large. Especially if you commit to doing something nice for your partner consistently over time. Be careful not to fall into the pattern of waiting for your partner to do something nice for you. This can turn into a “tit for tat” dynamic that will only make both of you feel resentful, distant, and unappreciated. Instead, remind yourself that you can pay it forward. You can always choose to do something nice for your partner, and it can boost your own confidence as a caring partner and your partner’s feeling loved by you. This can pay it forward in your relationship and create a culture of appreciation and kindness.
