Are You Driving Your Own Car?
I witness many clients entering therapy with a recurring complaint: they feel out of control of their lives. It’s a common feeling that can arise in the midst of transition, stress, or a traumatic event. Sometimes it can resolve itself when the adjustment or change is complete. However, if you are often feeling overwhelmed by decision-making, wonder how you’ve gotten where you are, or feel like things just “keep happening to you,” it could be helpful to investigate your locus of control.
The concept “locus of control” was established in the 1950s, and is defined as the degree to which people believe they have control over aspects of their lives. What do you think causes things to happen in your life? Do you believe that you have control over your future? Or that your life is controlled by outside forces, other people, or fate? An internal locus of control refers to the perception that you are in control of your life, while an external locus of control refers to the perception that you are not in control. Although it can be helpful to acknowledge that sometimes things are not in your control, operating from an external locus of control often can make one feel powerless, unmotivated, and hopeless. If you consistently view your life as out of your control, it will make it more difficult for you to clarify what is important to you, to work towards goals, or even to imagine a positive future.
There are very real reasons why shifting your locus of control from external to internal can be difficult. Outside stressors happen, and if they’re painful they can make us more cautious. It’s difficult to realize that you have control over your life if you’ve experienced traumatic events that tell you otherwise. For example, all of us who lived through the COVID-19 pandemic have experienced how an external event can affect our lives. Many people have felt blocked from seeing friends or family, engaging in meaningful extracurricular activities, or going to work in person. Survivors of trauma or members of oppressed populations have had their autonomy taken away from them, from either other people or events. For this reason, it is important to remember that we don’t always have full control over our life - that external things will have an affect on us and that we must work within those parameters.
By shifting your perception to an internal locus of control, this can help you feel more in control of your life. Rather than viewing things as just “happening to you,” you get to choose what actions you want to take. Operating from an internal locus of control can be empowering, energizing, and confidence-boosting. And it can help you cope with things that are outside your control, because you’ve recognized where your capacity for control begins and ends.
To shift to an internal locus of control, try to remind yourself of what you DO have control over. We cannot control those around us or the world around us, but we can control how we react to others and the world. I like to use the metaphor of driving a car when I conceptualize locus of control. Imagine if you’re driving a car and somebody cuts you off. If you let them take ahold of your steering wheel, you might become irate, yell at them, or throw in a hand gesture. You might be in a funk the rest of the afternoon. You might hold onto this experience, mull it over, blame the other driver for making your drive terrible, and increase your blood pressure in the process. The only person that hurts is you (or anyone else you’re going to be spending time with later). Alternatively, you can remain in control of your car and keep driving. Stick to your speed limit. Create some emotional boundaries for yourself and try to return to your emotional state prior to this experience. You can turn on a favorite song and remember that you are excited about getting dinner with your friends. Remind yourself that you don’t have control over the rude driver, but you do have control over how you respond to them. Drive your own car, don’t let someone else drive.
